60 Minutes

Sunday night I watched "60 minutes". I was extremely interested in one story in particular, about how dogs are now beginning to be used by the medical community to detect cancer in humans. Apparently, all diseases have a scent and dogs can use their super-sensitive snouts to pick out this offensive (to them) odor. They went on to say that some dogs have even alerted their owners to this and saved their lives.

If you have a dog you can sort of understand this. Maybe you've noticed how they revel in sniffing various parts of you after getting home from work or an outting. Well, some dogs sniff their owners ostentatiously enough in one area, and then become extemely agitated, tipping them off that something isn't right. To hell with Lassie saving Timmy from the well, this was stupendous! Boy, was I relieved to have a dog! I immediately thought this was great news for hypochondriacs, such as myself. I promised to keep Kasey's nasal passages as clear as possible from now on.

I started worrying about my friends though. They all either hate dogs or refuse to assume the responsibility of owning one. I called Carolyn, a fellow hypochondriac and close friend, and told her to get herself to the nearest pet store and get a canine ASAP. She refused, saying that it would be like having a mammogram everyday in her house and would therefore be stress- inducing rather then stress-relieving. She also was certain anything the dog did would send her rushing to the phone to schedule a doctor's appointment. I didn't even bother with my other friends. Estelle calls all dogs "beasts" and thinks she is perfectly healthy, so I knew she wouldn't care; Marlene likes dogs, but is too busy child-rearing to own one; Ellen doesn't want one right now and is going to give birth any second; Danna refuses to ever own a dog because they can revert to innate wild behavior at any moment; Merril has 2 or 4 dogs (I can't keep track), but they're so weird I don't think they know their tails from their noses; Liane has a dog-free apartment in New York city and Natalie has cats and works far too much to care for a dog.

Oh well, that's all of them (I am very popular but also very selective, thank you very much). I guess I am the only one taking comfort in the knowledge that my trusty dog, Kasey, has my back. God knows, I need all the help I can get. See you at the pet store!