Award Dinners

Every year my husband's company has a conference at various beautiful locations. While there, we are required to attend the annual black tie affair. Unfortunately, the organizers never seat us with anyone we know, so we usually end up at a table with people from remote parts of the country where dueling banjos are played regularly.

One such year, I was wearing my usual low-cut outfit and found myself seated next to a woman who's dress covered every body-part, including her neck. Having had a cocktail, I was feeling rather chatty. I mentioned how our twin sons were with us, and I was quite drained from their presence. She said she totally understood the feeling and had 11 children of her own. With my usual lack of restraint or forethought, I said, "Oh my God! 11 kids! Oh my God!" She went on to say that she home schools each and every one of them. When I asked how she does it, she replied, "With the help of the good Lord above". At that point I said, "Oh my God!" again. Instinctually, I moved my chair closer to Mike's and didn't speak to her for the rest of the evening.

Another time, I was seated with a lovely older couple who I actually enjoyed talking with. After eating dinner we were awaiting the presentation of the companies highest award. The winner is always a highly guarded secret. The wife wondered if she should go to the bathroom now or wait until after the presentation. I told her to definitely go now because last year the winner rambled on and on relentlessly, until I almost peed my pants. Much to my surprise, the gentlemen I had been talking to all night (her husband) won. At the beginning of his acceptance speech he said that he wanted to apologize in advance to the gal he had been lucky enough to be seated next to. Then he sighted my full name. He went onto explain that he knew I hated rambling speakers but he couldn't help himself and he was glad I went to the bathroom already. I was the subject of much finger-pointing and laughter that night! Even the CEO came over to me, howling with laughter.

I can't wait until this years affair. I never learn my lesson and will surely stick my foot in my mouth yet again. Or worse, get seated next to a woman with 12 kids.