Sex and the Single 7 Year Old

I just got off the phone with my dear friend, Carolyn, who is gracious enough to let me publish one of her hilarious life stories in exchange for being her ghost writer. It's quite a sordid tale, actually (right up my alley). She ended up being prematurely, forced into having the "sex talk" with her 7 year old son and 8 year old daughter after their cousin inappropriately gave them his interpretation of sex.

You see, her children Jonah and Danielle, are polar opposites just like mine. Danielle is studious, brilliant, and much more mature then Jonah (like my Ben, except for the mature part). On the otherhand, Jonah is fun-loving and funny, truly a frat boy in the making (like my Max). Jonah's quite sexually advanced for a 7 year old. He's aware of the effect a pretty girl has on his penis and has had various "girlfriends" since preschool. I vividly remember Carolyn telling me of one such girl that would make Jonah swoon when she wore her "apple dress" or ballet leotard to class. Even with all of this sexual interest, he has been satisfied with the standard issue answer to "where do babies come from?" (Mommy's stomach, of course for any clueless soul out there).
That is until his 10 year old cousin told him the gory details of sex.

Carolyn, did what any certified social worker and supreme parent would do. She told her kids the whole story of the birds and the bees in a concise, clear, mature manner. Unlike me, who would have unceremoniusly kicked my nephew's butt all the way to Pizza Hut while praying my kids would forget the whole thing while I was gone. Danielle (aka Ms. Maturity) took notes and drew anatomically correct illustrations so she could understand the entire sexual process including egg ferilization. Meanwhile, Jonah's mind went in a different direction. He needed to know if his Mom and Dad had sex, how many times, exactly what it feels like and whether it was uncomfortable for Carolyn to have a penis inside of her. They fielded his barrage of questions at the dinner table while Carolyn and her husband, Nathan desperately tried to control their laughter and not spit food all over him.

The next day, Carolyn gave Jonah, The book "Where Do I Come From?" which includes cartoon drawings of naked people meant to gently explain the whole baby-making, sexual thing to kids. He thanked her repeatedly, even going so far to emphatically explain that he had wanted a book like this his entire life. In response, she hid the book in a safe place so it couldn't be used to fulfill his somewhat innocently, perverse needs whenever he saw fit. Jonah may never become the next Hugh Hefner, but he certainly will be a dedicated "Playboy" subscriber. I guess the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree, huh Nathan?