Colorectal Tales

A couple of years ago my husband and I had the distinct pleasure of meeting a nurse that worked in a colorectal doctor's office. We found ourselves spellbound by her stories of items that the doctor has removed from that very private of areas. It was really quite fascinating not to mention pee your pants hysterical, at least to our twisted minds.

Allow me to start with the gentleman that came in complaining of having a pepperoni lodged where he could not remove it. The nurse said the doctor noted in the patient's file that there was some kind of sausage, most likely not kosher that needed his skills. Next was the 17 year old who's (poor) parents brought him in because the boy had been exploring with a Scope bottle. Personally, I have switched to gargling with Listerine since hearing this story. Next was the wife that brought her husband in to have a microphone dislodged that he was experimenting with. Brilliant! Another woman needed a vibrator removed. The nurse explained, that normally this wouldn't have been that amusing except for the fact that it was still running, obviously due to fresh batteries. Finally, there was the unfortunate mishap between a man and his broomstick. He claimed to be on a ladder painting his basement when he took a fall and landed on the wooden end of the broom. Truly acrobatic!

I don't think I ever would have thought to write about these tales if my husband hadn't needed back surgery last week. You see, he was in the holding room prior to surgery and anesthesia when a physician walked in and asked the nurse if they could give him an operating room for 20 minutes. When the nurse inquired as to why he needed it without prior notice, the doctor explained that he had a man who was complaining of having a cap stuck up his rectum. The doctor went on to say that the patient claimed it was the cap from hemorrhoid cream but he wouldn't be sure until he was up close and personal with it.

My husband unexplainably kept his composure throughout the conversation, whereas I would have most definitely burst out into hysterics and ruptured an organ requiring further surgery.