A Green Bowel Movement

Today I pooped green. Much to my horror it wasn't that sort of brownish green that's sort of common and nothing too weird, it was an "oh my god", time to write a blog, neon green. Don't start acting like you don't check out your doody to make sure that everything is status quo. It's one of those things we all do, but choose not to discuss, unless you're me.

Anyway, I immediately assumed I was dying (nothing unusual for me) of some awful intestinal disease, cancer of any kind, or the bird flu. Of course, I snapped into action and did the only thing a hypochondriac, green pooping fool would do - I Googled "green bowel movement". Much to my surprise the internet is literally crawling with information regarding excrement color. Every single thing said that you shouldn't be concerned about green doody because it could come from eating green leafy vegetables (which I strongly oppose) or purple food coloring. Shazam! My husband and I had scarfed down a bag of blue/purple corn tortilla chips the size of Texas the night before my momentous bowel movement! I wasn't dying after all!

I called Mike to tell him of my near-death experience and warn him that he was next. He reminded me that he only goes to the bathroom once every 5 - 7 days and the color would be well diluted by then. I should have remembered, because I had recently bought him a Toto Max Ultra-flush toilet, well-known for being able to suck down golfballs and chihuahuas without clogging. My next phone call was to my fellow-hypochondriac and close friend, Carolyn to tell her of how I dodged a bullet today. She was completely unphased since her children had been known to poop neon green in the past. The only thing she was amused by was that I actually Google searched "green bowel movement". Carolyn was the one who also suggested I write a blog about it. You see, my friends have this dream that if I keep writing I might actually publish a book one day about the sitcom that is my life, and earn some money rather than being the drain on society that I am today.

I highly doubt that my neon green poop is ever going to make it to the New York Times best seller list. It is however fair-game for my blog. Funny, I just thought I heard the flush of my Toto toilet even though I'm the only one home. Probably just my mind playing tricks on me. Perhaps, I was channeling my parents thoughts after they read this post. I'm sure this will be proof that all the money they spent on college was flushed right down the old Toto.