Happy Valentine's Day!

I am forever confounded by the fact that my husband of 15 years still loves me and hasn't grown disgusted with my incessant self-deprecation and constant search for shoes and handbags. I also have PMS 3 weeks out of every month that no amount of medication or therapy seems to totally cure. Oh yeah, then there are the inevitable mood-swings and overall perpetual crankiness. Now that I think about it, I've never particularly excelled at anything. I am certainly not the best parent, spouse, or pet-owner, and have a limited group of friends because I lack diplomacy skills and can't be bothered with bullshit of any kind. I have always wondered what the hell this loving, generous, and exceptional parent and man could possibly find appealing about me. In light of Valentine's Day, I've decided to take time to ponder this question and later delve into what makes him so fabulous.

As always, I must start with myself. Admittedly, I am incredibly funny though he doesn't find me half as hysterical as I find myself. I'm also an amazingly good friend to those few friends that I actually have. I do indeed have integrity and always try to follow through on anything I say I am going to do. Some would say I am cute with a nice sized bosum and a figure that probably wouldn't send anyone into hysterical blindness if they stared directly in my direction. I'm an excellent daughter who worships at my parent's altar on a regular basis. My children seem to love me despite my poor parenting and cooking skills. I suppose I'm relatively bright and literate regardless of the fact that the only thing I read are shopping magazines. Lastly, I'm an above average speller and anal retentive (which sometimes is a good thing). Ok, I think I've covered everything decent about myself.

On to Mike. He is a person riddled with integrity. An unusual and rare trait for a Financial Planner who's income is based solely on commission and who's wife has serious shopping issues. He is a masculine Martha Stewart who's culinary and decorative talents are brilliant. He is the only (straight) man I know that owns a copy of "Heloise's Helpful Household Hints" and knows how to use it. Though I pride myself on being a neat freak, he still managed to teach me proper vacuuming technique when we moved into our home. His parenting skills are stellar and loving. Much to my delight, he spoils me rotten and can be very romantic. He never experiences anxiety and nothing ever phases him. Ever.

He's simply ridiculously amazing and yet some how he decided long ago to spend his life with me. Quite frankly, I think most people are astonished including my parents who love Mike like a son. All I can do is shake my head and wonder. I am going to keep this all in mind while I try to be nice to him this Valentine's day. It won't be easy because I am PMSing (of course) and just want to snap at anything that comes out of his loving, kind mouth. Poor, fabulous Mike. All my love to you as always on this Hallmark holiday and every other day I have the privilege to spend with you.

A Green Bowel Movement

Today I pooped green. Much to my horror it wasn't that sort of brownish green that's sort of common and nothing too weird, it was an "oh my god", time to write a blog, neon green. Don't start acting like you don't check out your doody to make sure that everything is status quo. It's one of those things we all do, but choose not to discuss, unless you're me.

Anyway, I immediately assumed I was dying (nothing unusual for me) of some awful intestinal disease, cancer of any kind, or the bird flu. Of course, I snapped into action and did the only thing a hypochondriac, green pooping fool would do - I Googled "green bowel movement". Much to my surprise the internet is literally crawling with information regarding excrement color. Every single thing said that you shouldn't be concerned about green doody because it could come from eating green leafy vegetables (which I strongly oppose) or purple food coloring. Shazam! My husband and I had scarfed down a bag of blue/purple corn tortilla chips the size of Texas the night before my momentous bowel movement! I wasn't dying after all!

I called Mike to tell him of my near-death experience and warn him that he was next. He reminded me that he only goes to the bathroom once every 5 - 7 days and the color would be well diluted by then. I should have remembered, because I had recently bought him a Toto Max Ultra-flush toilet, well-known for being able to suck down golfballs and chihuahuas without clogging. My next phone call was to my fellow-hypochondriac and close friend, Carolyn to tell her of how I dodged a bullet today. She was completely unphased since her children had been known to poop neon green in the past. The only thing she was amused by was that I actually Google searched "green bowel movement". Carolyn was the one who also suggested I write a blog about it. You see, my friends have this dream that if I keep writing I might actually publish a book one day about the sitcom that is my life, and earn some money rather than being the drain on society that I am today.

I highly doubt that my neon green poop is ever going to make it to the New York Times best seller list. It is however fair-game for my blog. Funny, I just thought I heard the flush of my Toto toilet even though I'm the only one home. Probably just my mind playing tricks on me. Perhaps, I was channeling my parents thoughts after they read this post. I'm sure this will be proof that all the money they spent on college was flushed right down the old Toto.